i wish will farrell was my friend

I saw Anchorman recently, which was pretty ridiculous and absurd, though it had a few laugh out loud moments.  Though the movie had its borderline tardo moments, it made me realize I just can't proclaim my love for Will Farrell enough.  He is one class act, I tell ya.  Timeless.  If you ask me, who do you consider a funny guy?  I say Will Farrell hands down.  He's one of those people that I wish was my chum, my compa, my wingman.  To be friends with Will Farrell...ahh to be so lucky.  Hell, I'd even marry him for the laughs.  Wait a minute.  No, I wouldn't.  I was being hasty there.  But I sure do wish he was my friend.  That would be something.   

another one bites the dust

The sadomasichistic cult that everyone calls Christianity has claimed another victim, a person I once dubbed as 'pretty cool'.  But no longer.  Tear. 

You see, this story goes back; way back.  Joser was a boy that always took the latest trend and just ran with it.  Not too many boys that I know are really at all concerned with fashion, (although this new metro-sexual queer eye for the straight guy nonsense will make short of that) but Joser is one of those guys that is.  And he doesn't like penis.  So one minute he's a rastafarian vegan, sporting dreadlocks and always getting stoned.  Then he was one of those 'The Strokes' type pseudo hipsters with a mullet.  Then he became a hardcore surfer.  And so on, but he would just jump from trend to trend.  He wouldn't just jump, he would dive in.  Head first.  I actually started calling him poser instead of Joser.  Not to his face.  So when Joser and his girlfriend of a couple years broke up, he was completely devastated.  There was huge void there, because she had been his life up until that point.  That's when it started to get scary.

So I saw Joser for the first time in a few months at a friends house last week.  He had a shaved head and was dawning a new tattoo.  It took up his entire back and was an image of an angel of Christ or something and it cost him well over $700.  A tattoo of "The Last Supper" was also in the works.  Then he started talking about his religion.  He informed us that he had gone to church that day from 9 am to 4 pm.  I don't know about you, but I would not volunteer my entire day to be spent inside a church.  How deathly boring.  Then he started explaining that humans are inherently evil and that we are born wicked and there's really nothing we can do about it.  He kind of started ranting and raving. 

"We're sinners and that's it.  It's human nature.  The only way that we are going to save ourselves is to be in the church 24/7 everyday.  It's the only way to get into heaven.  You know?  I don't trust myself even.  I don't.  You know, I stopped smoking weed and I had a really bad trip the last time I did it, and I was like ok God.  This is how you want it to go for my last time?  Alright.  Then so be it.  And that's why I changed.  I am just dedicating myself to my religion.  I want to start new.  That's why I shaved my head today... It was like a cleansing... I just wanted to shed everything, shed all the impurities away.  I don't like who I was and where my life was going.  That's why I've taken Jesus into my life and I don't want to go back...I just can't be that way anymore...I just can't...I don't want it."

FYI there was nothing wrong with the way his 'life' was going before, except for the whole poser thing.  The scariest part of all was that everyone grew awkwardly silent and he just kept on talking.  Not only did he continue, but he started getting really flustered and neurotic, finicky almost.  It was difficult to watch.  I was really disturbed and frightened.  I really hate organized religion as it is, so Joser was like the antichrist to me at that point.  I was so traumatized that I had to leave the room.  It was like a bad scene out of the movie, Saved!  Imagine you knew someone who was totally normal and chill, then you see them a couple months later and they are totally transformed into a bible toting psycho.  Pretty scary, huh?   

For a second there I was going to interject and inform him that everything he was saying was BULLSHIT, but I didn't want to get hurt over it.  Who knows what that wannabe pious freak was capable of when his religion was insulted.  Anyhow, it pained me to see such a lovely fellow get brainwashed so badly by those Christian fuckos.  I suppose they saw that him at his most vulnerable and sucked him right in.  Bastards. 

I remember at my old community college legions of bible thumpers were found in swarms, hunting down the next new victim.  There wasn't a day where one of those holy rollers wouldn't approach me.  And believe me I avoided them like the plague.  But they would always get me.  And DAMN were they pushy.  It was always some girl, who claimed that she was a real trifling whore back in her day...that is before she found Jesus.  But now that she found Jesus her life is so in order, and goddammit she's never been happier.  She always insisted that I come to the bible study, which was so fun, because they really explored the bible in depth and learned the real truth about the bible.  Though I assured her that it sounded like a real scream, I wasn't interested.  In one particular instance the girl got real nasty with me when I turned her down and asked me if I wanted to go to hell.  I told her that I already was in hell, but thank you.  She was a little taken aback by that and left me alone after that. 

Seriously though, I'm not buying the heaven and hell tactic anymore.  If they think I'm going to behave to avoid going to "hell", they've got another thing coming.  What is hell anyway?  I burn forever?  Whats going to burn, my body?  Because I thought that got left behind.  Then if my body isn't present, where does the pain come from because I thought all the neurons and whatnot played a part in feeling physical pain.  Ah, what the hell do I know anyway?  All I know is, if there actually is a hell that we go to after already living in one here on earth, God is cruel indeed.
  
Moral of the story:  Don't let them (the Christians) take you.  They see you sad, alone and with your pants down.  Then WAMMO!  Right in the butt. 

Down with organized religion.         

martha stewart living...in prison!

I just found out that Martha Stewart has been sentenced to prison and I can't decide whether I'm elated or sympathetic.  Martha Stewart always gave me that 'evil bitch' vibe.  I've read a thing or two about her and how she can be, ummm, intimidating.  A modern day Joan Crawford, if you will.  And I know you will.  So when this whole scandal started and she had to go to court, I was kind of hoping she would go down in flames.  I thought to myself, "It would be nice to see that whore Martha Stewart go to prison.  That would be something."  Wouldn't it?  Well now it's a reality.  I don't really feel that satisfaction that I thought I would feel.  What is wrong with me??  Has the hater in me subsided?  Or maybe...
 
So it got me thinking.  Perhaps Martha Stewart gets a bad rap for being a ball buster, super anal, driven and all that good stuff even more so because she's a woman and she's successful.  She really just knows what she wants so we deemed her a "bitch".  That's what we call most intelligent and assertive women.  Like Hillary Clinton.  She's a "bitch" too.  
 
Even so, Martha Stewart still really just seems like a bitch.  But that's not my point.
 
This whole trial is revolving around an unethical and illegal move made by Stewart , but it couldn't be any worse than what the Enron guys did.  And then you may remember our old pals OJ and Condit.  Sure Condit was never deemed guilty, but then again neither was OJ, so go figure.  Killing is ok, but cheating in the stock market is baaad.
 
Five months in prison is pretty short, but it's just long enough to take any bit of the tender ass left in her OUT.  Imagine Martha after prison if you thought she was scary now.  I suppose there will be plenty of jokes we could make about her stay in prison and how she will keep herself busy in there with arts and crafts.  I wonder if they would let her continue airing Martha Stewart Living live from prison.  What a hoot that would be.  
 
"Hello everyone.  Welcome to Martha Stewart Living, the prison edition.  Today my bitch and I will be showing you all how to transform this ordinary toothbrush into a weapon.  We will also be making homemade tampons out of paper mache and cotton.  And in the last segment of our program, we will show you how to store and smuggle the unthinkable in your vagina."   
 
Good times.  Hey, Martha said she'd be back.  I believe her too.  See you in five months Martha.  Stay strong girl.                   

what ever happened to...?

What ever happened to Shaundra Levy?  Remember her?  She mysteriously disappeared a while back.  There was speculation that she had been involved in a torrid love affair with Gary Condit.  Gary Condit was even starting to become a prime suspect in the case of her disappearance.  On that note I must say, Gary Condit is the luckiest fuck alive.  Ok, I take that back, O.J. Simpson is the luckiest fuck alive.  But lets pretend he's not for a minute. 
 
 Timing is everything.  For Gary Condit, the 9/11 tragedy COULD NOT have come at a better time.  Up until that fateful day in New York, news coverage was beginning to focus heavily on the disappearance of Shaundra Levy.  Condit had a nice steady flame right under his ass at that time.  I even felt the heat.  Then, bada-bing bada-boom, a couple airliners go slamming into the twin towers and everyone goes apeshit.  I suppose that's a pretty good reason to forget that GARY CONDIT IS A PHILANDERING MURDERER!  Does one tragedy cancel out another?  I didn't think so, but it seemed to happen anyway.  
 
We have short attention spans don't we?  Analogy-wise, if our attention spans were comparable to dick size, we'd all be hung like a light switch.  Shaundra Levy's missing...oh shnap!  The twin towers were attacked.  Get Osama Bin Laden.  Ok forget him then, get Saddam Hussein instead.  We got Saddam Hussein?!  Yipee.  Ok now what?  Lets take him to court.  Yeah. 
 
Out with the old, in with the new.  We just want to be entertained.  We want to sound informed.  Give me scandal, give me a juicy story, give me, give me.  Stimulate my peanut sized brain. 
 
How come we aren't really talking about Osama Bin Laden in connection to 9/11 as we were before?  Has the search for Bin Laden subsided?  Has the focus shifted to hunting down Saddam because curious George W.  had beef with him since he tried to whack off his pop?  That sounds like a personal problem.  No need to drag the rest of the country down with you on this one.      

I digress...
 
So Gary Condit one lucky fuck.  He's stoked.  Terrorism came in real clutch and saved his ass from further scandal and possible prison time.  Everyone just plum forgot about that measly disappearance.  I haven't forgotten, Gary Condit.  I know what you did last summer.  Intern killer.   
 
Speaking of disappearances, whatever happened to the sporty and scary Spice Girls, Al Gore, Ralph Machio (Karate Kid)  and those kids from Dawsons Creek?  Or all those canceled WB shows for that matter.  

how the anglos get down

For the first time in my life, I was a first-hand witness to the process that takes place when one of your own friends gets married. In addition to making me aware of my accelerated aging process, attending this wedding helped me realize that white people are drier than a day old piece of bread.  Especially old white people. 
 
I went to the wedding shower too.  That experience was very much like watching paint dry, to be honest.  The only good part was that I got fed (potato salad and some m&m's) and I got to go home with a fabulous gift bag that included a magnet with a picture of the lovely couple.  I haven't quite decided what to do with it.  The worst part was when we had to play ridiculous games, like quizzing the bride to be on her fiancee's likes and dislikes and for every wrong answer she had to stick a piece of gum in her mouth.  Pretty wild.  It was difficult to sit through since I really don't give a rats ass whether the groom likes creamy or chunky peanut butter.  After that, then we got to watch her open cards and read them.  It was sheer torture. 
 
In contrast, I went to a Mexican wedding shower and they had booze and even this homoerotic dance troupe, which they call SOS.  These guys basically go in there and drag all the yenta women out onto the dance floor, then lead them through a series of dance routines which everyone is supposed to do in unison.  It's pretty freaking queer, but at least it's fun and light hearted.  The point is, every Hispanic wedding I've been to is relatively lively; the reception is all about drinking, dancing and good times for all.
 
So my friend's wedding, which was largely made up of anglosaxons, was pretty damn dull.  Coincidence?  I think not.  For one, the DJ was playing country western.  Not only was the choice of music terrible, but the ultimate wedding reception faux pas was committed.  They played the chicken dance song.  I was horrified, more so because I jokingly predicted that they would play the chicken dance and they did.  And people danced to it.  Well, the bride and groom and maybe two other people, who were pretty much the only people dancing the entire night.  And its no wonder why they were the only ones dancing.  Music is a key factor when it comes to parties and celebrations.  You just don't screw that part up.  Anyhow, it was boooring.  So it got me thinking, why are white people so dull?  Do they have some kind of boring gene that they pass along from generation to generation along with a lack of rhythm?
 
I kid.  That was a very hasty generalization.  Not all white people are drier than a day old piece of bread.  Not all...just some.  Some meaning most.  Especially the old ones.         

the big lebowski is the shittiest movie ever

I just saw The Big Lebowski and it was the shittiest movie ever. The movie was strongly recommended to me more than once, so you can imagine my dissapoinment after viewing it. I was expecting fireworks and I got a couple poppers. Maybe not even a couple. Such a let down.

everybody poops

Everybody poops. Everyone. You, your sister, your dog and even your mom. It's not a pretty picture, but we all know it's a fact of life. I'm not scared of talking about it but it seems like some people are. It's like we're afraid of letting others know we do it. I actually know someone who, for many years, didn't think that girls pooped. Isn't that great?

For a long time I refused to take a dump in a public restroom. I'm sure there are others out there that can relate. It can get so bad that people have psychological problems with it, like those people who can't urinate in public restrooms. Howard Stern had a problem like that during his youth; I believe he called it pee fear.

Now I've been forced to realize that sometimes you just have to get over it and use public restrooms, but the trauma that comes along with accidentally farting loudly or taking a loud shit can be irreparably damaging. I usually wait until everyone leaves the restroom to do my business. It shouldn't be that way and I realize that it doesn't have to be. I just can't ignore society telling me that farting out loud is gross, when in reality, farting in the restroom is fair game. People who fart in the restroom at least have the decency to fart there as opposed to the dinner table or a crowded elevator. Give them some credit.
Though I'm not really one to talk. I always giggle when someone farts in the bathroom. I can't help it, poo and the like is funny to me.

Maybe people are deathly afraid of talking about poo for the same reasons they don't want to talk about sex. It's taboo. Taboo's are stupid. Labeling these things taboo and refusing to openly talk about them is all in vain attempt to deny our animalistic behaviors. We need not be ashamed! These are our basic needs. It's natural. It's ok if you have to poop. Everybody poops.