happy birthday to me

I'm getting old. I just turned a quarter of a century this weekend. I like to think that I am merely like a fine wine; getting better with age. Yet it also disturbs me that I'm actually considering putting preparation H under my eyes because I heard it prevents wrinkles. In any case, I thought that a milestone birthday such as mine required a keg, and I made it so. Nothing like a good ol' kegger to ease the pain of realizing you are halfway through your twenties. It was a great old time, though I have no memory of it, I was told that I had a blast. I've got the pictures to prove it. If I had some sort of concept of technology, I would post them. Perhaps someday I'll figure it out.

What really struck me, however, was the psychological after effects due to a night of debaucherous drunken raunch.

I know that there are certain people who wake up in shame and fear after binge drinking. I'm one of them. They seem to be the paranoid, cynical, insecure types...much like myself. No, they can't enjoy themselves and wake up the next day and think to themselves, "Boy was that fun". That would be too easy. Usually after a night of drinking I wake up beside myself in paranoia, anxiety and depression. You can say I might over analyze the situation. I'm usually pretty quiet, but you know what they say, the quiet ones are the freaks. So when I'm tipsy I'll pretty much say anything that's on my mind and I won't think twice about it, even though I should. I can be pretty tacky. I remember bits and pieces of my behavior and feel so embarrassed of what I may have possibly said or did, like anyone even cares. That's really the best part, because no one does care and I usually end up convincing them that I behaved like and asshole. If I would have kept my mouth shut I probably would have gotten the pass.

Which brings me to my theory: low self esteem is secretly a disguise for a complete and utter fat head. It's like a paradox of self loathing and conceit all rolled into one. Some of the issues that people with low self esteem have are ridiculous when you think about it, because they make everything about "them". Take me for instance, when I sit and fret about how I acted the previous drunken night. What did I say? Did I make a fool of myself? Will everyone think I'm an idiot? Everyone surely hates me now. Did anyone see a pattern in my thoughts? Me, Me, Me... everything was about me and how the world perceives me. Like it will seriously affect my life if I get laughed at for two seconds while I appear drunk.

I used to think people who suddenly burst into laughter anywhere in my proximity were laughing at me. Talk about paranoid. Surely they were horrified by my attire or the huge booger I imagined to be lodged up my nose. In reality, they didn't even notice me, but this mind trip of mine convinced me otherwise. I wanted so badly for them to notice me, that I concocted a sick and twisted way to exist in their lives; through ridicule. Insecure people are basically attention starved, is what I'm saying. Mommy and Daddy must not have hugged me enough or something.

Mere jokes. I don't blame my parents...entirely.