i like dogs, but not like that

I love dogs. All dogs. Except for my cousin's dog, who is what I believe to be Satan's incarnate. He's one of those small yippy dogs, bordering more on the insane side. Every time you come over to her house, he will attack you when you try to leave. I don't know why; no one does really. He just starts screeching in octaves you wouldn't believe existed, while simultaneously barking and biting at your ankles when you head to the door, every single time you visit. On several occasions he's broken the skin. A car ran him over once. He didn't die. The evil never do.

So a pair of my friends have 3 dogs. The dogs never really made an impact in my life until I was at a going away party at their house about 3 weeks back. The party was held in the dogs usual hangout spot, so they were temporarily placed in a holding tank, where they could actively observe the party, and thus beg for food and attention through the gate. One of the dogs put on quite a show for us, where he would jump up and stick his arms through the gate and wave them enthusiastically. It was rather amusing.

"OK fella, you win," I think to myself. I then decided that this dog had earned its right to get some attention from me, so I lugged myself over from my folding chair, to the dog's holding tank. The dog's name is Vito, and he's one of those Siberian Huskies. They're the ones with the white eyes and fur coat. I then commenced to give him a nice thorough petting. I feel that my affection is really good. I suppose the dog seconded that motion, because it's eyes went from small dot of a pupil and white iris to really huge, dilated pupils...just as if the dog had taken 2 hits of ecstasy. The pooch suddenly looked more like a Japanese cartoon character than a wolf, which struck me as odd. Yet it was absolutely fascinating to see those trademark Huskie eyes change from "instinctual" mode to "frying balls" mode.

But what I found to be even more bizarre was that the dog was nursing an erection. Somewhere amidst the wonderment that came along with encountering Vito's overly dilated pupils and petting his great white coat, I glanced down to find 'Mr. red slime rod' poking out between Vito's hind legs. I immediately pulled my hand back in horror.

"Ewww! Bad dog!"

Why did the dog get a hard on? Does that mean that I turned the dog on? Did Vito get hot from me petting him? Is that why his penis reared its ugly head? I petted him in the most standard way you would pet an animal...on the head and back...no funny business, no extra attention to the dog's underside and belly. I just don't understand.

I walked away from Vito then, leaving him to pant and eventually shrivel at the height of his ecstasy. He had taken advantage of my affections, and made lewd gestures toward me. I felt used. I didn't mention anything for the shame enveloped me beyond words. I guess I'm traumatized by male dogs because I was humped by a dog in heat once and it scarred me for life. T'was a humiliating experience indeed.

And so ends the story of a dog who got too excited when I petted him. So excited in fact, that his eyes dilated beyond the brink of reason and his ugly red wiener thing popped out to say hello. That's when I had to say goodbye. Dirty dog.

i once had a boyfriend who couldn't spell stuff

I've dated a really wide range of people. If you could make a box and whisker plot comparing all the boys I've been with, you would have a really fucked up distribution. We're talking lots of outliers here. I've dated boys from different ethnicities; white washed Mexican/Italian, just plain white, black, Mexican, Spanish, even a dash of Asian. I've dated some ugly asses and I've dated a supposed model, granted he did ads for Clothing Barn, but that still counts. I don't discriminate, is what I'm trying to say. I've got love for everybody.

The boyfriend that stands out in my mind though, besides the first one--who I hope dies slowly, maybe by birds pecking at him until he bleeds to death, or better yet, by stapling his ass shut and feeding him Taco Bell until he bursts--is the slowest boyfriend I ever had. He couldn't figure out how to play Scrabble. Because of him, the game of Scrabble is no longer a fun and enjoyable experience for me. The game of Scrabble now terrifies me, and reminds me of a very dark time in my life, when I realized that I was dating a dullard, for 7 months in a row.

I knew this boyfriend of mine was a stoner. That didn't really bother me, because I like pot, and I firmly believe most people on this planet are high. Well, I guess this particular young man smoked himself silly, because he was one slow mother fucker. Talking to him was like pulling teeth, and it was as exciting as watching paint dry. I initially thought he was the strong silent type, because although he was quiet, he would usually chime in and say the right things at the right time. But then I got to know him, and I found out there was nothing strong about his silence. There was actually a bag full of stale air between his ears.

My girlfriend and I decided to visit him and his buddy one night, and we thought it would be fun to bring over her game of Scrabble. Of course we got high beforehand, because that usually makes things more fun. This time it only made things more terrifying.

Dumb butt had never played Scrabble before, so we began to explain the mechanics of the game to him. He was having a hard time understanding where and where not to place letter pieces. He kept asking me, "So...can I spell something...here?" as he dragged his index finger along the horizontal plane of the game board.
"No," I said, "because that connects with another word spelled out on the board and doesn't spell anything. When any words are touching, they have to spell something."
"Oh." Pause. "So...can I spell a word...here?" (again dragging finger along same exact spot as before).
"Uhhhh, no. Remember I told you that if any spelled out words are in conjunction with each other, they too must spell out something?"
Pause.
"So...I can't spell something...here?" (dragging finger)

This went on for about 45 minutes. I was floored. I didn't know if this was some kind of sick joke or what, but I didn't understand why he didn't understand. I explained it to him about 10 times and he wasn't getting it. Finally though, after great deliberation he figured a word he could spell, and it only took about 20 minutes of brainstorming, apart from the time we spent explaining the game to him. We were all very anxious to see what he was going to spell, in hopes that he had finally understood the concept of the game.

He places down his pieces, seeming pretty satisfied with himself:

K--O--O--H

We all stared at each other in silence.

"K-O-O-H?"

"Hook," he replied lamely.

We all begin to laugh boisterously, and he joins in with us, mouth agape as he glances back and forth between our cackling persona's. Ha! Bravo! Hook, spelled backwards, hardy-har-har! That doesn't really count, but it sure is funny. Boyfriend was surely trying to be funny right there. Good one.

"Please tell me we can count that" Boyfriend says, still giggling
"Sure sure, why not. Hehe. Kooh. You are too funny."
"Good. Phew! I was worried. For a minute there I was beginning to think I didn't know how to play this game."

The laughter steadily died down and the smiles evaporated from our faces after his comment. Boyfriend was not joking. He indeed STILL did not know how to play fucking Scrabble. He spelled "kooh", thinking it was the same as spelling "hook." I began to feel nauseous. This was not handsome. My boyfriend had the IQ of a navel orange.

Not only did he not get it, but he got angry that he couldn't understand, and much like a wounded cornered animal would, he lashed out at us, accusing us of "laughing at him." How the hell could we NOT laugh at him? The dynamics of his mind were laughable. We were under every right to laugh at him in my book. Besides, we weren't even really laughing at him, besides the whole kooh fiasco; I think we were all somewhat too shocked to laugh. Anywho, he still threw a temper tantrum and refused to play, gave us the silent treatment and proceeded to kick us out of his house. The car ride home was very silent. After a minutes silence I turned to my friend and asked her, "So, is it ok to break up with him over this?"

What the fuck do I do? Is this ground for relationship termination? I am horrified that my boyfriend has shit for brains, but how do you breakup with someone because they can't play Scrabble? What's a girl to do?

We ended up making it through this one because he called me the next day and apologized for his childish episode, but we broke up not too long after. A relationship cannot survive this sort of thing. The night I discovered my boyfriend couldn't spell stuff was the beginning of the end for me.