going potty for dummies

In theory, we were potty trained between the ages of 1-3 and from then on we are supposed to know all the do's and don'ts of bathroom etiquette. But every time I walk into a public restroom I continue to be amazed and horrified by the lack of potty know how. Thus, I feel compelled to post a step by step mini manual on how to correctly use a public bathroom, for those of you who suck at it.

I am only capable of sharing the female perspective, since I usually don't use the men's restroom, but that doesn't mean that I haven't! Hey, I will not deny that girls take forever sometimes...I was practically forced to use the men's room every time I did it. All I can say to the fellas is, please, hold your pecker into the toilet when you take a leak. It's not that hard. You're lucky you don't have to sit down and wipe your ass every time you pee, the least you can do is hold your wiener somewhat upright. The guys bathroom is so rank smelling because of you lazy fuckers who spray the whole place with your urine. And wash your filthy hands. I don't want you handling your junk and passing me a mint with penis residue on your hands.

Girls. First things first. Use a seat cover. Please. I was once a fan of the hover method, but that's what seat covers are for. No, you are not going to get AIDS off a toilet seat stupid. No, you will not get herpes or gonhorrea either. Unless you dunk your hiney in a toilet full of poop, I think you will be ok. If you are in a hurry and you simply must do the hover method, please have the decency to wipe your piss off the seat and floor when you miss the bowl. Do you think the next person who uses that stall wants to wipe up your piss? Who do you think you are? I have been bamboozled by you before, when I unsuspectingly put down my little toilet seat cover on your unholy fluids and mopped them up with my ass. No fair! Why do I or anybody else have to sit on your pee pee? Have some manners.

This one should go without saying, but I still encounter people who are ignorant in the ways of wiping. Please, please, please, wipe front to back. Always. Remember ladies, we are more complex because we have more holes. You don't want to be spreading anything left in the nether regions from back there to the front. That's all to the bad. If you wipe back to front, STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Right this instant. Perhaps you will stop getting urinary tract infections when you stop wiping the wrong way.

If you happen to be making a doody in a public restroom, which we are all forced to do at one time or another, there are plenty of ways to go about it in order make your experience a successful one. For starters, try laying down a seat cover inside the toilet bowl as well as on the seat. Which reminds me, if you are taking a dump, the toilet seat cover is mandatory here. No excuses. You'd have to be an idiot to take a shit in the hover position. That has disaster written all over it. Sorry if I insulted anyone's intelligence with that one, but you can never be too careful. Anyhow, the extra toilet seat cover inside the toilet bowl is particularly useful in cutting down on two things: the noise factor and the skid factor. Nothing chaps my hide more than walking into a stall and finding someone else's art work in there. Do you really think I don't care about seeing your tird leftovers smeared all over the toilet bowl when I walk in there? Good god woman, look at what happens after you flush the toilet. Don't be so careless. If you make skid marks, don't condemn yourself, it happens to the best of us. Just flush the toilet as many times as it takes for your poop stains to go away. It's that easy. But wait! Before you flush away those shit tracks, please...throw your toilet paper in the bowl. Don't save it in the trash can for someone else to look at. That's just gross. It bad enough that you save your dirty paper, but some of you leave it in the trash face up, for immediate observation. No one wants to see the consistency or shade of your excrement. Just get rid of it. Unless you are in a third world country that lacks a strong indoor plumbing system, always flush your evidence. And make sure it goes down too. Don't just flush and walk away, because sometimes it take a couple of flushes to make sure all your garbage goes down the pipes. Unless some brave soul takes it upon themselves to flush your filth down the toilet for you, you are pretty much leaving that bathroom stall relatively incapacitated for the rest of the day. That's not tight.

Speaking of flushing, we have this thing called "the courtesy flush", which is always great. If you know you ate something funky and this trip to the bathroom will school you on what evil smells like, please feel free to flush the toilet the instant your dookie hits the water. I know we can't always bolt off the toilet, wipe (FRONT TO BACK) and flush before the stank permeates the entire restroom, so this is why we use the courtesy flush. Number two is a little more complicated than number one, so let's handle it with a little more caution. And honestly girls, as much as we like to think it doesn't, we know our shit stinks. However, that doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to know. We can still keep it hush hush.