My Music Video Debut

A little over a month ago I was in a music video for Sirpaul, the pop star/hair dresser du jour I met while at a co-worker's labor day barbecue.  We initially bonded in being part of the anti-social group who stayed glued to the couch while watching "Hoarders" on mute and inserting our own snarky commentary.  Classic times.

So when Paul asked me to be in his "Music and Me" video that weekend, which was to be filmed in a Chelsea penthouse, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.  The only catch?  I had to get naked for the video...

I was told I could wear pasties and a nude thong or "wing it."  Though I'm usually rather prudish about being naked since my Catholic guilt/shame track record is pretty deep seeded, I decided plunge forth and free ball it.  I would conquer this being 'naked' thing once and for all.

I arrived in Chelsea about 6pm that Saturday.  As a bonus, I got my hair and makeup done for free and styled out with some threads from Zachary's Smile, an amazing vintage boutique in Soho.  When we arrived at the penthouse, we came to the realization that we needed the key to the apartment in order to access the elevator.  We huddled near the elevator in confusion, waiting for someone to bring the key.  Soon enough, a resident of the building arrives with her chihuahua and starts to raise hell.

"Excuse ME.  I need to get into my elevator please!  Can you all move so I can use my elevator?  Some of us actually do live here, thank you very much!"

And with that she rolls her eyes, elbows her way past us and stomps into the elevator, glaring as the doors begin to close; her tiny chihuahua trembling next to her cankles.

These are the type of people who inhabit Chelsea penthouses.  Actually, no.  She inhabits an apartment in a building complex under the penthouse and she's pissed we looked and got to play the part, while she looked like she slept in rats.

She decided to come back and mouth off some more.  Emerging from the elevator, she looked at us and asked in a challenging tone, "Who's in charge here?"

The lady with the clipboard attempted to do a little damage control with Miss Congeniality.  Finally someone was able to placate her and she ceases to argue with the film crew.  As she's walking back to the elevator, she flips a personality switch and mentions how beautiful the penthouse is.  She says she "hopes we enjoy it."  Eh?  Now she's happy for us?  Go eat a pound of fudge and finger yourself.

Shortly thereafter we gained access to the penthouse.  It was unreal.  There were different floors to that apartment we didn't even have access to.  Fortunately Paul's hair clients are rich and generous enough to let him "borrow" their penthouse for the weekend, so that humble peasants like myself can beg and scrape for free champagne and be featured in music videos.  Let's face it.  I will probably never be in an apartment like that again.

The video shoot was long.  Lots of waiting around.  Basically that's all a video shoot is.  Waiting around.  I started out as a loner but made friends soon enough, after being paired with a group of nice people who also enjoyed a twisted sense of humor.  This pretty much made the night.  We took a serious job of acting like rich dicks, which probably explains why we got the least exposure when it came time to release the finished product.  I'm very uncomfortable with "acting," so I dealt with the situation by hiding in the back and over emphasizing everything.  The concept of the video entailed a bunch of Upper East Side socialites at a cocktail party, which Sirpaul crashes, much to the horror of everyone.  As he walks through the party, the snobs part like the red seas, shooting hateful glances left and right.  But as soon as Sirpaul starts grooving with his hit single, "Music and Me," we loose control of our bodies and manage to rip our clothes off in a fit of passion, and also manage to get the signature 'Sirpaul' symbol tattooed on our bodies.  When the music stops we all emerge from our hedonistic trance and feel shame for being naked.  Think the technoqueer version of Adam and Eve.  Not sure why I'm juxtaposing biblical references with gay pop music videos, but I'm just going with it.

When they told us to act disdainful towards Sirpaul as he walked into the party, I just made a face like I'd smelled a shart, whilst holding my hand to my breast.  When they told us to act surprised about the fact that we'd found ourselves naked, I crouched down into a little ball behind everyone else and made a face like I'd smelled a shart.  The only part that really came natural to me was drinking the free champagne.  Thus it makes sense that the only airtime I got in the video showed me housing the champagne.  So it goes.

In regards to being naked.  As soon as we were told it was time for that bit, we all just looked at each other and stood there.

"Really?  Like right now?"

"Yes.  Like right now."

The time had come to release my breasts from their bindings.  I went off to deal with applying pasties and putting on nude pantyhose with the legs cut off, generously donated by the lady with the clipboard.  Come to think of it, that lady reminded me a lot of Lindsey Lohan, back in the Parent Trap era, when she was young and untainted.

I brought a button-down cover up for the waiting around moments, though some of the girls decided they'd just wear their bras instead.  Yet when it was my turn to be branded with the Sirpaul symbol (black spray paint), I was told my tits would be the perfect place for the tattoo.  So Sirpaul and his assistant spray painted my chesticles and told me not to put anything on while the spray was wet.  This then became the moment of truth.  I had to go back into the waiting area with my titty balls on display, for everyone to see.  But somehow I was safe as kittens, because I used the spray paint as a scape goat for my nakedness.  Everyone needs a scape goat now and again.  Theoretically I had to let it all hang out, the paint was drying.  Much like submerging into cold water, you just have to plunge in quick and get the painful part over with.  The spray paint did a good job of covering my areolas.  It also helped that I looked better naked than 80% of the people participating.

Standing huddled within a group of people who are all naked gives you a sense of comfort, if you are  anxious about being nude.  There's an understanding, a kinship or allegiance to not staring at each others privates, or laughing at each other's back hair, saggy asses or lopsided nipples, because you're in it together.  It felt somewhat natural and awkward at the same time.  It also helped that everyone involved was either gay or a beautiful woman, given there were a couple straight guys in the mix, but you really couldn't tell the difference anyway.  Everyone had their nipples pierced for some reason, which sort of served as a decoy in terms of labeling who was gay or straight.

Fortunately no one lost their sense of humor about the situation and how could they, especially after it came time for the men to strip off their underoos and show their teeny shrunken cocks to the world.  The lady with the clipboard quickly remedied the situation by giving them a nude stocking to place over their junk, like a ski cap.  Everyone was grateful.

We filmed the "I'm suddenly naked" scene relatively quickly.  It took about 10 takes, but was much faster to capture than the party scene.  Again, you would find me crouched in the back looking like I was sniffing my own farts.

It was a long night, but definitely worthwhile.  For me, it's all about the experience and an experience it was.  Would you like to see the finished product?  Of course you would...