Avoidance

Turning 30 last month, aside from putting me at a nice round number, has made it harder for me to continue avoiding my destiny.  I've tried.  I changed majors.  I partied.  I drank.  I channeled my energy into more destructive pursuits, I got more piercings, tattoos, I exercised more, denied my abilities, took trips to foreign lands, ate more.  But I can't hide anymore.  There's a shadow lurking behind me.  It follows me.  It haunts me.  And this past Saturday night, after drinking a bottle of wine alone followed up with a series of bong loads, I lay on my air mattress in a daze, attempting to write down the thoughts infecting my troubled mind, barely able to hold the pen steady as the room went into a tailspin.  It took me back to the days of self reproach, when the existential dilemma first began to surface.  In those days, the restlessness had not yet been identified as restlessness; it was merely a freshly planted seed.  It became self diagnosed insecurity, depression, doubt.  I hadn't even begun to capably understand what was going to happen inside me.  Yet it was as if I had a visceral sense of no longer belonging to a majority.  A contented, oblivious majority.

Yesterday I realized that if I don't do something about this soon, I will commence to make a downward spiral into some form of self abuse, whether it be through the form of substance, or self loathing.  Either way, it was a disturbing revelation.  Fortunately it was also a motivating one as well.  I am ready to make my commitment to my destiny.

To make my goals less foreboding, I must commit to the following:

1)  Start writing.  Every day.  And not just in my fucking diary.

2)  Read more.  You don't read as much anymore.  What the fuck's wrong with you?  You must feed your brain.

3)  Do your research.  Educate yourself woman.  You don't research bands or politics or current events or movies or art anymore.  What the fuck's wrong with you?  Read a newspaper or something.

4)  Put yourself out there.  Look for opportunities.  Work on your resume all the time.  Submit your work.  Write down ideas.  Don't get stuck.  Don't get complacent.  Keep moving.  Upward mobility.  Stay hungry!!!

If I want it, I can run with the best of them.  Now get to work...