Stepping closer

I have been restless.  I often stay up late into the night, thinking, dwelling, anxiety ridden.  I don't know why.  The ball is moving, the forces are taking me to the next destination, just as planned.  Why can I not take comfort in this?  Why do I remain unsatisfied?  I made a decision to change my life, I left my job, the most difficult hurdle thus far.  I put in my 30 days notice with my landlord...I am on my way, however though the ultimate destination is marked in my mind, it's still not a tangible reality.  There is no set date to work towards.  It's all still somewhat speculative.  It has been one week since I have stopped working and I can already feel the days slipping away from me.  It's comfortable, minus the reality.  I took a longer than necessary moment to bask in the glory of breaking the chains of servitude.  And I was enjoying it.

The tentative date to leave remained a big questions mark.  I began to prolong my departure, for this reason or the other.  People started to discourage me from leaving, told me it was a bad time to go--too expensive, too cold, too soon, too sad.  It's never a good time.  It swayed me.  I felt guilty.  I wondered when I really would go.  Never did I once doubt the idea of leaving, but the matter of when was a different story altogether.  Should I wait until Thanksgiving was over?  Early December?  But then the holidays would be just around the corner, and I may want to come back for the holidays, so why not wait until after that?  How long would I keep waiting?  But then it got hard to look at myself in the mirror, because I knew what I was doing.  I was getting scared again.

I had to choose between facing myself in the mirror and accepting the fact that I was going back on my own word and distancing myself from my goal, versus facing the backlash felt from abandoning the most important people in my life during a predetermined calendar period of togetherness.  When I can't decide I usually choose both, but this time I decided to choose the latter, because at least that one didn't lead to self deprecation.  So without thinking about it, without investing too much emotion or sentiment, I went online and bought a one way ticket to New York City.  On November 17th, I will fly into a city where I have little to no friends, family, job prospects, or a place to live.  I don't know what I will do, or where I will end up, but I take comfort in the fact that the ball is rolling now, and I know where it lands.  What happens after that is still in the air...