mating call of the new millenium

Bars...ah what a genius invention. A business that specializes in getting people loaded enough to send them into a drunk and horny frenzy, thus allowing them to hump like apes. The dim lighting, which helps make everyone there less unattractive and the deafening music saving you from pathetic conversation. What a magical combination! A real recipe for success if you ask me.

Sure it's easy for me to bag on the bar scene now, but I am actually quite the attendee. I've been going to the same bar for almost two years now and I swear I'm the grand caca because I know all the people that work there. I think anyone would at that point. But by that logic, that would mean that Norm and Cliff from Cheers were lame-o's. In the real world (and by real world I mean Norm and Cliff's world outside of cheers) I'm sure Norm and Cliff were losers. Cliff was a postman for godssakes. However, once they entered cheers they were the coolest. And that's what my bar is to me. It's the place where everybody knows my name. And of course, they are always glad I came.

Anyhow, I don't go to bars to get laid believe it or not. And girls like myself have developed a tactic to avoid people who do. I call it the "buddy system" but its also more commonly known as "cock blocking" amongst men. For instance, a few weeks ago a friend of mine and I were making our way through the bar and a young man decided to pinch my friend's ass in order to get her attention. He succeeded and began to divulge in some small talk with her (what's your name, what's your sign) that the music failed to drown out. It was then my job at that point to drag her away, suggesting that I "spotted" our friends or something urgent caused us to leave immediately. In my opinion that's the easiest way to deal with the situation. Just bail. However it's not always foolproof, because it wasn't long after I began to yank my friend in the opposite direction that joe donut shouts, "Why you hating?" Right in my face. Just like that. I couldn't even begin to know how to respond to that seeing as though he gave both my companion and I douche chills. Incredulously, in addition to being reprimanded for "hating" on this guy, his friend demanded that I give him some respect. That just knocked my socks off. In any case, we escaped them, but not for long. After the clock struck two and everyone scrambled outside to attempt a last minute hook up or to simply just talk, we interfaced with our gentlemen callers once more. This time they sent their friend over to ask us, "Are you two lesbians?", to which I simply answered by laughing boldly in his face. I suppose the crude laughter stung the ego a bit, so joe donut blatantly added, "They look like lesbians." I laughed some more. Oh the humanity. You see, I'm all about loving thy neighbor and treating others like I'd like to be treated, but for those who are asking for it, there is no mercy. So I walked over to the first guy I saw, nudged him and told him, "Want to hear something funny? This guy just asked us if we were lesbians! I guess that's how he justifies us not being into his shit", and just cackled like a hyena. I don't think they liked that. Then I proceeded to demasculate them as much as I possibly could. I think I succeeded, because they left with no digits, no love and their fruit of the looms all in a jumble. yay.